It's a Resolution Revolution!

"He conquers who endures."  (Persius)


I love talking on the phone with my long-distance girlfriends because, in order to cover all of the events that have transpired between the last time we talked and now, we end up condensing weeks of triumph, disaster, and debauchery into one concise nugget.  Looking at everything like that, all lined up like a roll of Life Savers, it is easy to begin to see patterns.  JI and I were on the phone last night, rehashing the last couple of months that got away from us.  Of course, at least a third of the conversation was dedicated to the trials and tribulations of relating to the male population.  And, at some point, we both began to see a familiar pattern emerge in my dating life...one that we have seen in the lives of quite a few of our girlfriends in the past.

We all seem to have run into this series of men who are super interested in us for a month or so, and then seem to rapidly fade away into oblivion.  "I don't get it," I tell JI, "I feel like I am getting duped every time."  I'd love to say that it is as simple as misreading signals or even being fooled, but even JI (the eternal skeptic) agrees that all outward signs pointed to "Yes" in most of the cases.  No, she says, it's the instant gratification that New York City affords that is to blame for the ridiculously short shelf life of affection.  A man can sit on his ass and order anything his heart desires, and it will be at his apartment in under an hour, she points out.  We can work remotely, order in, take out, talk on Facetime, and shop online.  We can even have laundry detergent and beer delivered to our door.  Practically everything is digital, instantaneous, and convenient.  So, how can we expect men not to want the same prompt result from women that they get from the barista, the delivery man, or the Flavia machine?

We are a generation of hyper-accessibility and rapid response.  A casualty of our times.  Could it be that we have forgotten what it means to work for what we want?  Everyone is familiar with the phenomenon, come the first of the year, when suddenly it is impossible to get a machine at the gym because everyone has made their New Year's resolutions to get fit.  But as January turns into February, the boom subsides, and by Valentine's Day, we're all fat and happy again.  It's like we expect simply making the resolution to precipitate the change.  When it doesn't, we lose interest. 

Losing weight doesn't happen over night.  In fact, very few things in life happen in an instant.  Love in particular.  When it comes to dating and romance, it is possible for relationships to ignite spontaneously upon meeting.  Like JK's current relationship: one minute they didn't know one another, and the next minute, they're planning a life.  Fireworks.  A chemical reaction.  The Big Bang.   But these relationships are very, very few and far between.  Usually, things take a little more time to develop, feelings take more effort to sort out, and "you and me" slowly evolves into "we."  Especially as we get older and have more history to wade through, relationships are less likely to be ready-made.  We are already comfortable with our identities as single people, independent, self-sufficient, happy in our own skin.  We've got to make the decision to invest in a person, and then work to earn our return.

Like going to the gym, being in a relationship with another person will take a while to change us.  We've got to keep going back to the treadmill before our skinny jeans start to fit again.  Similarly, just because we meet someone we like and decide to give it a go, that doesn't mean that we will be comfortable in a relationship right away.  Like anything, it takes some working out, going back again and again even after the excitement of prospective change wears off.  No wonder few of us have the patience and determination it takes to stick it out past month one.  It's a shame, really.  Because, while February and March can feel anything from mundane to gruelling, come April, you'll have a really beautiful result.  (Whether you're loving or lifting weights.) 

I wish I knew how to change us.  I wish there was a magic formula for fortitude.  Unfortunately, I can't and there isn't.  Results are three parts desire and one part decision.  We never know how the "desire" part will pan out.  All we can be certain of is that, if we want something badly enough, we are going to have to work for it.  We have to make the decision knowing that what follows might be difficult.  That being said, while it won't yield a payoff tomorrow, the resolution is the first step.  So, let's not diminish the importance of that step.  After all, all of the other steps need that first one to follow. 

Ultimately, we can't know when we start the journey whether we'll have the perseverance to end it.  But, that is not a reason not to try.  In the spirit of the season of new beginnings that is upon us, maybe we should all just resolve to take a first step.  To decide something.  To begin.

With all that work ahead of us, it might be nice to fall back into instant gratification every once in a while.  Good thing that New York City is not short on places like these, that are sure to yield immediate results:

Bubble Lounge
West Broadway between Franklin and White Sts.

Instant class.  The atmosphere in here is sexy and sophisticated.  Plush seating, deep purples and golds, and champagne everything.  It's a nice spot for a date or a small group of aristocrats like ourselves.  Plus, bubbles are fun.  Who doesn't like a nice champagne cocktail?  The only down side was that service was slooooow.  Don't go here if you've got a deadline.

Chick-A-Licious
E. 10th St. btw 1st and 2nd Aves.
Instant dessert.  I came here after dinner with my aunt one night.  She wanted cheesecake.  I wanted French Macaroons.  Theoretically, this place should have had all of those.  But, it was 10 p.m., and they had run out of pretty much everything.  She did get her cheesecake, which came in miniature size and was ordinary at best.  And I had to settle for a cupcake of some kind, which was tasty but nothing compared to Butter Lane, which is only a few blocks away and fantastic.  All in all, if you need a fix, stop in.  But, if you really want a great dessert, go somewhere else.

Common Ground
Avenue A btw 12th and 13th Sts.

Instant home.  If bars were comfort food, this place would be your mom's mac and cheese. Couches, books, and board games abound.  The girls and I played dirty-word Scrabble and Connect Four by candlelight.  And the bouncer bought L a drink for her birthday.  The vibe was relaxed and friendly.  Not an overly-aggressive pick-up artist in sight.  All the drinks you know and love, and space to reserve in the back if you've got too many friends for your own good.

675 Bar
Hudson and W. 13th St.
Instant flirting.  Yes, this bar is in the Meatpacking District, but it's not what you'd expect of the area at all.  Walk down the relatively non-descript looking stairs into the basement bar-come-wine cellar.  To the left, an open area with couches, a pool table, and a bar long enough to find a place to sidle up. To the right, a hallway of cozy nooks, exposed brick, dim lighting, and books and games.  Perfect for a birthday get-together, which just happens to be the reason we were there.  The crowd was all young professional types, and the gratification is instant if it's fraternization you're looking for.  The only downside -- at 9 p.m. this place already had a line.  The bouncer was only letting people down selectively, even though the place was far from crowded.  Eventually, it gets packed, but I had to question the artificial crowd control.