Are FWBs Really All That NSA?



Paramount

 Why is it that bad movies always come in twos?  Two meteor movies (Armageddon and Deep Impact); two volcano movies (Volcano and Dante's Peak); two magician movies (The Illusionist and The Prestige); two reality TV movies (The Truman Show and Ed TV); two bug movies (Antz and A Bug's Life); two vampire movies (Eclipse and 30 Days of Night)...and now, two movies about friends with benefits (Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached).  The phenomenon of these theatrical "coincidences" certainly serve as a barometer for our societal obsessions du jour.  The most recent additions to the twin-film canon are nothing if not timely. 

And, it's not just movies; there are scads of internet sites, blogs, and even actual books dedicated entirely to the "how to's" of casual sex.  Maybe it is just New York City, but it seems like friends with benefits (FWB) are becoming a more common occurrence than actual relationships.  Almost everyone I know has at least considered a casual sex relationship at one point or another.  A decade ago -- even a few years ago -- I would have recoiled at the idea of such casual relations.  But, when recently faced with an out and out invitation for repeat no strings attached (NSA) encounters, I found myself thinking, "Really, what would be the harm?" 

A good question.  In a city like New York, where people are often too busy, too self-interested, too overwhelmed, or too intimidated to really form meaningful bonds, what is the harm in (theoretically) blowing off some steam with a friend who you know and trust to be discreet and clean (at least in comparison to complete strangers at bars)?  Plus, studies have shown that there are measurable health benefits from simply being touched on a regular basis, let alone being touched like that.  Hm.  I have been mulling this one over for a while.  And, while I cannot completely eschew the idea of FWBs, I don't think I can entirely promote it either.  As with most sticky situations in life, the success of the endeavor depends entirely on how it is approached.

(Note: I realize that all moral baselines are not created equal.  For the sake of argument, we are going to have to set the obvious contention point of ethical and moral axioms aside for the time being.)

It seems to me that there are three obvious categories of FWB relationships, each carrying its own risks and rewards:

1.  Exes.  Just because you've ruled out a future, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the here and now.   The benefits:  This is familiar terrain.  You know the shortcuts and the scenic routes and can navigate with ease and efficiency.  You're probably relatively comfortable with the sexual dynamic and with the person in general.  Plus, you're likely way past pleasantries and small talk.  The detriments:  Breaking up is often a dish best served cold.  Jumping back in bed is like heating up leftovers -- you remember a scrumptious dish the first time around, but the smell is a little bit off and they're never going to taste the same.  Emotionally, one of you will sit there, spoon in hand wishing that you could start from scratch.  Of course, that's just it.  The only real reason to keep banging an ex is out of nostalgia, insecurity, an inability to truly let go, or flat out revenge.  Otherwise, who would want to waste their nights sleeping with their own human testament to failure and rejection -- sexy. 

2.  Close friends.  You already know them, you already trust them, you already love them.  This is just a different kind of love, right?  The benefits:  This is a person in whom you already place a lot of confidence.  This person wants the best for you.  This person keeps your secrets; sleeping together is just another one.  You've probably already done some light flirting, so pillow talk will probably come just as easy as all the other kinds of talk you already engage in.  As long as the two of you can keep sexual desires separate from the desire for attachment or commitment, then you're golden.  The detriments:  Casual sex is hardly ever all that casual.  A lot of the time, one friend is settling for FWB when what she really wants is a relationship, banking on the assumption that the sex will bring him around to love.  Wrong.  And even if this is not the ulterior motive, the fact of the matter is that sex releases hormones that create chemically-based feelings of attachment.  This is especially true for women more than men (don't quibble -- it's science).  Start with the foundation of friendly or platonic love, and those babies could pretty easily set one of you over the edge.  After all, friendship + lust = lovers.  You can't argue with math.  Plus, even if you do manage to keep it cool, you may get burnt when your friend's next girlfriend doesn't feel so friendly towards his ex-FWB.

3.  Acquaintances.  You're close but not too close.  Maybe she's got a mutual friend to recommend her, or even an honest smile and a decent resume.  The benefits:  This person is not a completely random stranger, but she's also not a bosom buddy.  You're not risking a friendship, and you're not building off of a history of intense feelings.  If everyone understands the practical nature of the alliance, then no one feels led on.  And, hopefully, you view this person as an equal, respect their time and privacy, and honestly ask nothing from them but safe physical gratification.  Plus, the element of mystery that recommends a person who you know but don't really know can be a real turn on.  The detriments:  This is less a FWB and more a bona fide f**k buddy.  Doesn't sound as nice because it isn't.  In reality this person owes you very little, and you might just end up being exploited.  What's more, unlike with friends or even exes with whom you have a history, you cannot be sure this person respects you as a human being, which can easily lead to feeling cheap, promiscuous, or just plain slutty.  Plus, part of the allure of an NSA partner is the possibility that the person actually likes you, which causes an intoxicating feeling of power.  Of course, after a while, it becomes obvious she doesn't, and then it might start to actually feel as empty as it is.  Awesome.

So, then, what would be the harm?  Fooling ourselves into thinking that the B in FWB implies an actual benefit.  In alomst all cases, the D (for detriments) outweighs any B.  It's hard to imagine an NSA situation in which the "benefits" are actually all that beneficial in the end.  However, if you're bound and determined, there are some definite rules for navigating a FWB situation: 

(1)  The two of you must be on precisely the same page, with very little room for negotiation.  Emotions make everything messier.  And even if you start out in a satisfying platonic-sexual groove, be prepared for the arrangement to have a shelf life.  Feelings will inevitably get in the way.  Whether one person ends up feeling romantic, jealous, resentful, or embarrassed, our human tendency toward attaching emotional significance to events will be the FWB's undoing.

(2) You must use protection.  No matter how well you know your FWB, no matter how much you implicitly trust him or her, this is not an exclusive relationship.  It's the nature of the beast.  Sex sans intimacy is also sans the obligations germane to intimacy.  You may be proud of what you bring to the table (or the bed as the case may be), but don't be anything but skeptical of what your partner might be contributing to the mix.  Smokey the Bear says: Only you can prevent forest fires.

Again, there are arguments in either direction, not to mention a whole moral and spiritual side to the FWB phenomenon that could be further addressed ad nauseum but have not been touched upon here.  In any case, be prepared for NSA to mean temporary and a little dirty.  I have never seen anyone come away from a FWB situation feeling entirely clean.  The fact of the matter is that NSA engagements trivialize sex, which I think most of us feel just a tad bit guilty about.  While it may be relatively easy to come to terms with the downsides in favor of the upsides, the reality is rarely cut and dry.  What is more difficult is recognizing your ultimate (albeit probably muddied) motivations for wanting an FWB situation:  Are you jaded, seeking revenge, avoiding intimacy, fearing of dependency, lonely, needy, feeling unimportant or unattractive or insecure?  Are you being narcissistic, unempathatic, or self-aggrandizing?  Are you using sex, attention, or affirmation to fix something that will only end up feeling more broken when it ends?  I think few of us recognize our reasons for going the FWB route until it's over, if then.  No amount of gratuitous boning will free us from our real issues.  Is that really beneficial? 

What ever the benefit of FWBs, these NYC places provide NSA benefits with a capital "B" (literally)...

Bedlam
Avenue C between 3rd and 4th Sts.
Benefits:  Good crowd.  Friendly vibe.  Open dancing space.  Mixed sexual orientations.  Taxidermy (arguable).  Detriments:  Spotty DJ quality.  Spotty bar service.  Shady location.
All in all, this is a great place, especially for a night out with a mixed gay/straight crowd.  Everyone feels comfortable here.  And the dance floor is accommodating.  It is a liiiiiittle deep in ABC City for some people's taste, but I didn't think it was too bad.  I'd definitely recommend this place for meeting up or late night dancing.

Bibim Bar
1st Avenue between 9th St. and St. Marks

Benefits:  Tasty, basic Korean food.  Friendly waitstaff.  Cute, warm, Asian ambiance, with skylights and outdoor space in the summer.  Detriments:  Inattentive server.  Can be hard to find.
The good news is that there is a sign outside that says "Bibim Bar."  The bad news is that the Japanese noodle place in the storefront is not it.  You actually have to walk past that place to the back through a relatively unmarked entryway to reach Bibim Bar.  I promise the trek will be worth it, especially if you order the chicken or spicy pork bulgogi hot pot.  It's Korean comfort food at it's finest, and even sort of healthy.  Yum.

Barramundi
Clinton St. btw Stanton St. and Rivington St.
Benefits:  Homemade sangria.  The bartender.  A friendly late night crowd.  Detriments:  Small space gets crowded.  The number of bartenders did not increase with the number of patrons.
The girls chose this place for the meeting point the night of my birthday celebration. The idea was to knock back a few drinks, round up the troops, and head to the dance floor somewhere in the LES. It guess it is a tribute to this bar to say that we never made it out the door. Mickey, the bartender, was friendly and fabulous. The jug of fresh white wine sangria disappeared faster than a $20 bill. And, the bar got a decent amount of traffic that included good looking members of both sexes. You can't do much better than that.