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As my friends and I enter our late 20s and early 30s, some of us who have struggled with traditional relationships begin to consider what is going wrong: is it me, them, or the fundamental structure of traditional relationships? Lately, I’ve thought more about the last possibility, and I’ve heard more people suggesting non-traditional options. I discuss a couple of the more interesting ones below with the following caveat: Although I firmly believe that these options could be a path to happiness for some people, I don’t think that they are the solution for everyone because they involve two very unique people who are willing to be deeply introspective and completely honest about their feelings, needs, and wants. (Note: I’m not considering poly-amorous or asexual relationships here because they tread into even more complicated territory. And, friends-with-benefits has already been addressed in a previous post.)
The Relationship Lease
In a recent episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” (don’t act like this isn’t one of the most satisfying guilty pleasures ever) Gretchen discussed how she is uncomfortable with the idea of marrying again. Gretchen’s first marriage ended in divorce and then, just a few years later, she lost her fiancé to cancer. Her solution was a relationship lease. Similar to a car lease, two people would enter into an agreement to be completely committed to each other for a period of years at the end of which they would reevaluate and decide whether to remain together.
Gretchen commented that, shortly after they were married, her husband “let himself go” because he had what he wanted and didn’t think he had to work to keep it. But, a relationship lease could motivate people to continue to work at themselves and their relationship. I think that this is a valid point. I often wonder whether some people are in such a rush to be in a relationship because it means they can stop working so much on wooing/courting/paying attention to the other person. Once you’ve decided to commit to one person and take yourself off the market, to invest time and emotion, it becomes harder and harder to walk away.
Although I’m very attracted to this option, I am not sure it would work in reality. I had to stop naming my cars because I get weirdly emotional when my car lease ends, and my car can’t even argue with me about whether or not to keep it! Ending an emotional lease could be incredibly messy and painful.
This was widely discussed after Monique was nominated for an Oscar and revealed that she is in a happy open marriage. In an open relationship, as I understand it, both people are emotionally committed to each other and devoted to building a life with each other but occasionally have purely physical relationships with other people. I think that if it was used to explore emotional and physical relationships with others, it could quickly become complicated, messy, and painful. For the right couple, an open relationship can provide a loving relationship without giving up the opportunity for new sexual experiences and partners. If both partners are truly comfortable with the idea and willing to be honest with themselves and each other, this can satisfy those who are only being held back from a relationship by their reluctance to give up seducing or being seduced by other people.
The problem with casual dating is that there is societal pressure to stop doing it at some point. Around this point in life, many people are settling down into devoted relationships and contemplating children. When they were my age, my parents were married with two kids. Should I have figured out who I was going to be with by this point? Am I somehow behind? How will I know when to stop looking or can I ever stop? Do you just pick someone and settle down or is there a sign, a feeling, an indication that the hunt is over? If I can’t decide whether or not to have red and green peppers or just green, how can I decide who to live with forever? What if the person is right but the timing is wrong? Is the timing ever wrong if the person is right? The flurry of questions that are not calmed by casual dating can be troubling and frustrating. And, when you see friends settle down happily, you begin to wonder if you’re doing something wrong.
Choosing an open relationship is not a way to end these questions. It is not a bridge between what you are ready for and what you think you should be ready for. It is not a way to “try out” a real relationship without the fear of missing out on other options. As I stated earlier, the other encounters in an open relationship are purely physical and do not include the type of emotional exploration that dating entails. An open relationship is not a “back up” relationship that fills the void while you look for something better. The only difference between an open relationship and a traditional one is sexual monogamy. You can't be in an emotionally committed relationship if you’re actively exploring emotional connections with other people.
When casually dating, both people are pursuing a relationship but may also explore physical and emotional connections with other people. The relationship and the other person are not a priority as they should be in an open relationship. An open relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship. Both people are willing to prioritize the other person, to make compromises and sacrifices for the other person, and to focus on the relationship. I think that there are people who can make an open relationship work. And I don’t think that I’m not one of them. I know that I would be uncomfortable with my significant other having a physical relationship with someone else because physical contact, from kissing to sex, is very emotional for me. I know that I would not be able to regularly have a purely physical relationship with anyone else because, with a few exceptions, my physical attraction is tied to my emotional attraction. I know that this is not true of everyone. To have a working open relationship, both people have to be able to honestly reflect on what they need from a relationship and how they connect with other people.
If, after reflection and discussion, you realize that an open relationship could work for you, congratulations and best wishes. If not, you can join me back in the confused and questioning pool. You’ll be in good company.
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Breaking with tradition, I am not offering restaurant/bar suggestions, but I am suggesting music to listen to while pondering if you’re made for an open relationship. Here’s what I listen to while struggling with what I need and want in life:
The Quarter Life Crisis Playlist
1. King of Anything – Sara Bareilles – Someone once said they thought this was my theme song, and I was very flattered.
2. Pumpkin Soup – Kate Nash – Sometimes, it’s the woman who wants to keep things simple and physical.
3. Rolling in the Deep – Adele – Gorgeous voice, gorgeous song. If you aren’t tempted to try and belt it out yourself, you may be a robot.
4. I’m Good, I’m Gone – Lykke Li – For the ambitious, independent people who’ve been rejected for being just that.
5. Such Great Heights – The Postal Service – This constantly gets stuck in my head, and I don’t even mind it.
6. You Wouldn’t Like Me – Tegan and Sara – “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.”
7. Trouble Sleeping – The Perishers – One of my favorite songs since college.
8. This Boy is Exhausted – Wrens – Just pure honesty about how the fight to do what you want is … exhausting.
9. I’m Scared – Duffy – Beautiful and moving -- I’ve been brought to tears listening to this.
10. Merry Happy – Kate Nash – Try not to move along to the bouncing beat of this song about a girl who’s been rejected and learned she can be alone.
11. Dog Days are Over – Florence + The Machine – This song has been everywhere, and I still don’t think it’s overplayed.
12. Long Distance Call – Phoenix – I normally favor female singer-songwriters who do pop/alternative, but I love everything Phoenix has ever done.
13. Après Moi – Regina Spektor – Haunting, strong song with some strange lyrics (“I am now afraid of the old”).
14. You Got Me All Wrong – Dios Malos – So simple; so tempting to send to exes.
15. Love Like a Sunset, Part I – Phoenix – A wonderful, absorbing, emotional instrumental piece.
16. Love Like a Sunset, Part II – Phoenix – Since I’m not very knowledgeable about music, I have no idea why this in two pieces, but they are both perfect.
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