My Cleveland friend, JK, is coming to visit this weekend. Meanwhile she has a budding relationship back in Cleveland. Her question to me: Does she act single or taken? Is she allowed to flirt at bars? Make-out? Hook up? Does she want to? She I have discussed this at length, which has done nothing to alleviate the issue that we both are facing -- when do you bite the bullet and have The Talk? The Talk can take many forms. It can be a formal discussion of the status of the relationship and each person's feelings going forward. It can be an off-hand remark or question, the reaction to which will be the tell of what the other person's got in his hand. One time, I even got a down-on-one knee "will you be my girlfriend?" speech. However it is done, it occurs at some point whether we like it or not.
It is not that clarity is a bad thing. It can definitely alieviate anxiety over where exactly the two of you stand. However, it can also propel a relationship violently forward or destroy it all together. I remember the moment of The Talk with my ex-husband, S. In fact, I blame the entire trajectory of our ill-fated relationship on my reaction to The Talk. We were in the car on our way to somewhere. And we had been dating only a couple of months. To be honest, I was still dating other men and only toying with the idea of any type of exclusive relationship with S. Out of the blue (or what seemed like the blue to me), he asked me to come to his family's house for Easter dinner. I knew this was a turning point. You could not go to a person's family celebration if you were playing the field. It just doesn't work that way. I said to him, as gently as I could, "Do you think we're to that point yet? We've only been dating for a couple of months..." "Of course!" he replied. He went on to explain to me that he was not seeing anyone else and thought that it was time for me to meet his family. It was clear that he just assumed I was on the same page as he was. And that was it -- I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was still dating around. I knew it would disappoint him, and I liked him enough not to want to hurt the guy. So, I just agreed. And went to Easter dinner. And the rest is history. I was in the relationship, whether I liked it or not.
If only I had had the courage to tell him the truth -- maybe I wouldn't have gotten pulled into the cyclone of the relationship -- maybe I wouldn't have been sucked in so quickly and completely, until I felt that I had no other option than to be in the relationship. Not only did that set the tone for the rest of our time together, but I believe it was a major factor in our divorce. As a result, I realized the danger The Talk could hold. Having The Talk was treading on thin ice: either you break up (because you aren't on the same page) or you commit (which can be dangerous and toxic if one party does so just because he or she was not ready to break up/make a decision, a la S and me).
No doubt, The Talk is a difficult hurdle to overcome in any relationship. The only solution is to be ready and to know how you feel and what you want. Rarely, is this the reality. For this reason, The Talk will always be messy for one or both parties. There is one thing that complicates the talk even further -- The Assumption. S is a prime example of the assumption -- he assumed that I liked him as much as he liked me. It never even occurred to him that I was still seeing other people. I could tell from his attitude and the way he spoke to me about it, that he assumed I would want to meet his family, to get deeper and deeper into the relationship with him. Now, it is hard enough to figure out how you feel and articulate it when you don't have that kind of pressure on you. But, once it is clear the other person has made an assumption about the relationship, you add to that initial confusion and doubt a layer of guilt ("Oh no, what if he finds out I have been dating -- he'll think I was cheating!") and/or resentment ("Who does he think he is? God's gift to women? How dare he just assume that I will have gone goo goo over him already. And now I have to be the bad guy if I tell him otherwise."). On the other hand, if you are the one with the assumption or initiating The Talk, you know that you run the risk of making the person you want to stick around run for the hills.
Instead, JK and I both take the road of "apparent apathy". We don't assume anything; we act as if we are completely free and single whether we feel that way or not; we lie in wait of The Talk -- knowing that it is going to sneak up on us if we are not vigilant. The danger here is that our conduct can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either we act so indifferent, that eventually we feel that way. Or, we act like we don't care when we really do and are heartbroken when we find out that our behavior made the guy think we didn't like him. There is a part of you that wishes you knew what page you were on, and a part that doesn't really want to know. It is the result of conflicting elements in your life both making you happy -- singledom and togetherness. We put off the talk hoping that we will find a way to reconcile those two things. But it still always seems to come down to a choice. A choice that may mean relatively little in the grand scheme of things. Or a choice that may be the difference between a marriage or a split, a child or a move, path A or path B, happiness or unhappiness. With this dilemma facing us with each and every Talk we have in our lifetimes, how can we ever be expected to make a firm decision?
On a side note, meeting a person's friends or family can have a BIG impact on how you feel leading up to the talk. Which presents the dilemma -- do you make some introductions before commitment or wait until the relationship is firmly established. If you and the friends and family get along, no problem either way. But, if you do not, meeting them after the commitment has been made can really throw a wrench in the works -- having had the best man and in-laws from Hell, I can speak from experience. One you are in a relationship it seems like bad form to dump a person because you don't like their friends or family. On the other hand, where you are waffling on your feelings for a person, meeting a truly wonderful set of friends and family can do a lot to push you in the "like" direction. E, the current focus of my flip-flopping heart, introduced me to some of his friends at various venues this weekend (and he didn't even have a problem with me bringing my (guy) college friend). And I can honestly say that I have never met friends that I liked more. One more pebble on the side of "yes" for E...
Here are a few of the cool places that we hit this weekend on the friend-meeting expedition --
Stout
This place was HUUUUGE. They had a great selection of drinks, as well. It was pretty packed after work on a Friday night -- but I imagine it gets a lot of traffic as a result of being so close to Penn Station and tourist spots. It would be a great place to watch a game or just grab drinks.
The Company Bar
E. 10th St. near the SW corner of 1st Ave.
A small bar in the East Village with a limited selection of liquors and beer. But, the bartender was super friendly -- she even made us do a shot with her -- and chatty as well. This place did not have the best air conditioning, so I would think twice before hitting it up on a steamy night like we did. But, it is a nice basic neighborhood spot. I have never seen it overly crowded, either.
Madame X
94 W. Houston between Thompson and LaGuardia Place
Touted as NYC's "sexiest bar and lounge", Madame X capitalizes on the use of red velvet and low lighting. We were there for a birthday party with a group, for which the big long couches worked great (although a lot of shifting around was necessary in order to talk to everyone, and some people had to stand). This bar had the most inattentive bartenders I have ever seen. But if you could get through ordering drinks and closing out your tab, the vibe there was pretty sexy...
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