To Be or Not To Be (Single)

I flew to Florida and back for work yesterday.  It was a long day, to say the least.  By the time I got back to my small yet cozy apartment, I was 100% beat.  So, it must have been the fatigue that got me to thinking on the plane...

Let's establish one thing right off the bat, here.  I love being single.  I love having my entire bed to myself.  I love watching TV in my underwear and a t-shirt at night.  I love eating whatever I want without being self conscious.  I love turning the news and the lights on in the morning without worrying about waking anyone up.  I love being able to burst into song if I feel like it without bothering anyone.  I love being able to decide what to watch at all times.  I love the solitude, the quiet, the peace.  I love that I have two worlds -- the busy full one of work and friends and fun, and the one I have alone in my apartment, where time slows down and empties out.  99% of the time, I love my life. 

But, after a long work day, a series of delays, no sleep, and too much caffeine, I found myself in the air an hour from NYC thinking about how much I wished that I had someone to come home to.  I don't know what it is about the thought of someone anticipating my return that made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  All I knew was that I wished that someone cared that I was back.  Besides my cat.

Like I said, a moment of weakness after a grueling day.  This morning I am back to being strong, independent, and content with my single life in the big city.  Free and untethered.  After 14 years of being in one relationship (or marriage, as the case may be) after another, I have finally discovered singledom.  Like a long hike up a rocky mountain side -- I feel almost victorious at times that I have gotten to this point of satisfaction.  But, every so often, when I glance down into the valley of the cute and happy couples, I wonder what it would be like to visit.  To stay for a while in a relationship.  To sacrifice my space in bed for cuddling with a real person. 

I think that this issue is surfacing for me now because I think I might have to make just such a decision soon.  I have been seeing a man (we're on date number 7 or 8, I think?) who is giving out that vibe.  The one that screams, the "talk" is coming soon.  The one that causes him to plan more than a week in advance and call me "not [his] girlfriend yet."  By all accounts and purposes, I should be excited.  He is cute and tall, successful, kind, goofy, thoughtful...everything I want in another person.  But, I have that nugget of hesitation in my stomach.  The one that reminds me (based on ample personal experience) that, while a visit down to couple valley may seem like a good idea, it is always much more difficult to leave than one would expect even after the welcome has been overstayed.  And the trip back up the mountain to victorious solitude hurts the same amount as it did the first time.  There is no physical conditioning that can ease the burden of heartbreak (whether you are feeling it or causing it).  For someone who has a history of just jumping headlong into life decisions, I find myself curiously cautious and reluctant to decide anything at all.  Or maybe, by acknowledging those feelings, my choice has already been made?

By the way, not to digress, but my friend at work brought me to this amazing vegetarian, macrobiotic restaurant that I have neglected to mention.  If you want a little vacation from the usual, check it out...now this, I can commit to:

Souen Organic Ramen
E. 6th St. between 1st and 2nd Ave.

This tiny tiny place is tucked away without any real signage aside from its name on the door.  And because it is so small, reservations might be a good idea.  But, it is worth it.  From the seitan to the squash tofu stir fry (pictured), the food is both exotic and magical.  And you leave feeling like you did something good for yourself in this city full of delicious but calorific treats.  They've got other (larger) locations in Union Square (closed for renovation until September) and SoHo as well.