The Nose Knows What the Heart Wants

** DISCLAIMER: If you're a guy, you might want to NOT read this post.  Seriously.  This is going to get very girly fairly quickly.  Just giving fair warning.  FOR REAL. ***

Over the span of each of our dating lives, we have inevitably compiled a list of the qualities that we look for in a mate -- clever, goofy, empathetic, fit, handsome, employed.  Each person you date adds a little something to the list:  That guy that turned out to have two secret kids?  Honesty.  That guy that romanced another woman on your watch?  Fidelity.  That guy that watched sports on ESPN all weekend?  Intellectual curiosity.  That guy whose ego could hardly fit through the door?  Humility.  That guy whose house smelled like a hotbox?  Sobriety.  The list builds and builds, and it gets harder and harder to find *just* what we're looking for.  (If you stay on the circuit long enough, you eventually reach terminal velocity, at which point the list actually starts shrinking.  But the the entitlement remains.)

And then, one day, you find it.  HIM.  Greek god with abs of steel, a steady job, interesting hobbies, zero interest in other women, a fabulous pasta recipe, fashion sense, and a weak spot for puppies.  (Cue: Hallelujah Chorus)  Where where where have you been all my life?  This guy just demolishes your list -- check check check check check check checkcheckcheckcheck.  Phew!  Done aaand done.  Where's the chapel?  Right??  Wrong.....It's all there.  So why am I just not feeling it?  You know -- IT.  That thing that you're supposed to feel when the man of your dreams steps into your life.  That part swoony, part giddy, giggly, smiley, dopey thing.  The thing that makes you want to call all of your friends, and even your mom, to tell them that your life is definitely, truly, irrefutably changed forever.  Why isn't that happening?

From personal experience, I'll tell you that the moment you realize that you simply lack chemistry with a man that actually meets all your papered parameters is revoltingly disappointing.  Even worse if he seems to like you, but you just can't muster up anything in return.  You're disgusted with love, disgusted with luck, disgusted with yourself.  What is wrong with you?  Are you that mentally and emotionally scarred that you've lost the ability to feel?

Actually, probably not.  (What a relief!)  I recently read an article by Elizabeth Svoboda in Psychology Today that discusses the role of scent (call it pheromones, chemistry, whatever) in attraction.  In it, she explains the effect that a man's scent can have on a woman's feelings about him.  It has nothing to do with cologne or deodorant, but rather with his actual physical odor.  You know -- that smell that he leaves on your pillow in the morning or on the collar of that sweatshirt of his that you accidentally borrowed for infinity.  To your roommate it might smell like he needs a shower, but to you it smells like heaven.  It makes you feel safe and warm and sexy all at the same time.  Ahhhh.  Love those major histocompatibility complexes (MHCs).  Wait, what?  You heard me.  MHCs are the proteins in body odor that either attract or repel us to a member of the opposite sex.  And, it's no crap shoot -- we are attracted to men with MHC patterns that are just different enough from our own to ensure optimal offspring.  (And vice versa.)

Great!  This solves everything.  Instead of going out to the bars and striking up conversations, we can just walk up to guys and bury our noses in their hair.  Perfect.  And efficient.  I like it.  Right up until the guy I sniff out turns out to be a total douchebag.  Turns out scent is only one of the many important factors that go into choosing a partner.  (Hang on a sec, while I fish my list out of the trash.)  But the fact remains that that thing that we like to so vaguely refer to as "sexual chemistry" may be, as Svoboda puts it, "a direct result of this scent-based compatibility."  So calling it "chemistry" is really not so far off -- maybe "bio-chemistry" would be closer. 

According to Svoboda, if you are with someone whose MHC patterns are too similar or dis-similar from your own, you might experience a lack of sexual arousal, multiple miscarriages or unhealthy babies, or an inability to remain physically or emotionally faithful.  A study has even shown that women with MHCs 50% similar to their man's had a 50% chance of cheating on him.  Woah.  But, if we instinctively pick out our fellas based on whose smell attracts us, how would we ever end up in that situation?

Get ready for a revelation: birth control pills.  (I told you this would get girly.  I am going to start talking about oral contraception now, so if you're a guy, I really do recommend proceeding with caution.)  Of course, there are other ways to wind up in a relationship with a scent-ually incompatible man.  But, the pill is one way that might shock and affect the most women at once.  And, unfortunately, it makes sense.  The way in which the pill operates is to trick the body into thinking it is pregnant, halting ovulation and, thus, any chance at pregnancy.  Svoboda notes a study in which pregnant female rats spontaneously aborted their young when exposed to a strange male.  In a pregnant state, women's scent preferences may change from men with substantially different MHC proteins to men with significantly more similar MHC patterns.  In other words, they pick people more likely to be related to them.  Makes sense for a pregnant chick to want to be around family that would protect her.  But, what happens when a whole population of women on the pill run around picking out mates that might as well be their cousins?  Trouble in River City, folks.  (With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Pill -- If you don't know the lyrics to The Music Man, I am sorry.)

All of this struck pretty close to home for me.  Having been on the pill for over a decade, I started to wonder if all of my bad choices when it comes to men haven't been just a teeny bit to blame on my inability to smell a man for what he is.  I am historically skilled at sniffing out infidelity and dishonesty, but maybe I'm deficient when it comes to sniffing out a decent match.  Maybe the very thing that makes me attractive as a potential partner (i.e. not having to worry about getting knocked up) is keeping me from finding a suitable one.  Plus, if the pill changes my perception of men's smells, then I can only assume that the MHCs I am emitting change as a result of taking the pill as well.  In fact, one study suggests that it's true -- being on the pill confuses men's noses as well.  Svoboda recounts the research showing that men tipped 50% higher the strippers who were not on birth control than the ones that were. (Incidentally, they tipped the strippers who were ovulating even higher than either of those groups! Hehe. Gross.)  While I am not exactly working for tips, this result probably means that not only am I not finding the right men, but they're not finding me either!  Double whammy.  Not only that, but Svoboda goes on to relay some scientists' theories that once a woman in a relationship stops taking the pill (e.g. to try to get pregnant), her attraction level to her husband may shift dramatically, making it difficult to conceive (duh).  And their children might not be as genetically strong as they would had their parents been better chemically matched.  Ugh.

The bottom line is that scent-based compatibility (which is really, in essence, genetic compatibility) can be just as much of a deal breaker as being ugly or stupid or boring.  And, we wouldn't go out to the bars in a blindfold and earplugs, now would we?  So, why on earth would we send ourselves out into the dating fray with scent receptors set on reverse?  If this research is true, then I might have been going about dating all wrong for years.  How much credence should we give this MHC stuff?  How much am I really effecting my ability to find someone with whom I've got that elusive "chemistry"?  Only one way to find out.

You got it.  As much as I enjoy the benefits of the pill, only by going off of it will I really be able to tell how it has been affecting my choices.  Pure retrospection gives me a few ideas of where I may have gone wrong.  But, I'd like to know for certain.  I am not sure if this move would be considered taking matters into my own hands or giving them up to the fates.  But, I am all in...let's see where my scent-ces take me.  If this experiment helps me better identify someone who has the potential to be the other half of a happy relationship, then there is no price too high to pay.  And if not, well, then it will probably at least help me cut down on the promiscuity. (Winks!  Just kidding, mom.)  And, I am not alone.  I have talked to quite a few of my female comrades approaching 30 who are all embarking on the same experiment.  Go off the pill, go into a bar, and try to smell Mr. Right from across the room.  Or, at the very least, stop looking at his chiseled jaw line and dark wavy hair long enough to give him a really good sniff...

(P.S. Due to working like crazy this week, I really don't have anywhere exciting and new to review this time around.  But, I'll be back with something come Monday, I am sure!)