One in 8,008,278...

I have always thought of myself as a subscriber to the "variety is the spice of life" school of thought.  One of the reasons I adore New York City (and one of the main reasons I moved here) is the absolute glut of options when it comes to food and wine, fashion choices, art and culture, environments, people, music, restaurants, neighborhoods, falafel, subway stops, little Chinese nail salons, street fairs, brunch locations...the mere thought of all that the city has to offer precipitates a chemical reaction in me.  It feels almost like being in love.  Ironic, considering that it seems that actual love here is so hard to find.

Someone once theorized with me that dating in NYC versus dating in smaller towns is like shopping in the salad dressing aisle.  In a smaller city, the selection of dressing is smaller -- ranch, blue cheese, balsamic, and french.  Within a reasonable amount of time, you are able to sample all four and pick the one you like the best -- say, the french.  And you are happy with the french because you know what else is out there and are positive that you got the superior dressing.  You keep going back to the french, and you like it every time.  But in NYC, the salad dressing aisle is a mile long and holds 700,000 types of salad dressing...flavors you've never even heard of.  So, you'll keep sampling and sampling. You can try some and like them a lot, but you'll never be certain that there is not a better flavor out there.  In NYC, the french will never make you as happy as it did in the smaller town, even though it is the exact same dressing.  Options form the obstacle to salad dressing satisfaction.

Maybe that's over-simplifying things.  How can having options be bad when they feel so good?

Not happy with just condiment-based analogy, I went in search of a more "scientific" explanation for the reason it seems so hard to focus on just one person, hold on to one relationship, in the big city.  Being a lawyer, I was immediately drawn to a 2003 study by Stephen and Rachel Kaplan in a peer-reviewed article in the American Journal of Public Health that developed a theory based on "The Reasonable Person Model"  (lawyers live and breathe by the "reasonable person standard").   The article linked environmental factors with human behavior.  In the study, subjects were drawn to photos of environments that supported the three basic "informational needs" of humans -- the ability to (1) explore and understand the environment, (2) to take meaningful action based on that understanding, and (3) to effect restoration of these first two abilities by avoiding prolonged episodes of mental fatigue.  All three informational needs must be met for humans to be able to act reasonably.

In order for humans to be most rational, they must be able to control the rate and volume of information flow and effectively build a mental map of the environment.  But control is not enough.  People must also be able to take meaningful action based on this information in order to avoid feelings of helplessness that diminish reasonableness exponentially -- this can also be read as a need for a feeling of competence and participation.  Finally, even environments supportive of the first two elements may ultimately overwhelm a person if there are too many sources of distracting superfluous information.  The result is not so much physical mental fatigue, but what the Kaplans describe as "directed attention fatigue."  One loses the ability to focus on the task(s) at hand due to a cacophony of extraneous sights and sounds.  The gist of the study result was that people are naturally drawn to and behave more reasonably in an environment that is manageable in terms of influx of information, which is most often found in a sort of ordered nature.  (Read: wilderness with navigable trails and other familiar landmarks.)

Having just had the opportunity to juxtapose the bustling city and the more rustic camp within the frame of a single weekend, I need no more convincing of the truth of this model.  Information flows languidly in nature, while in the city it rushes on with the force of a metropolitan tidal wave. The city is a Jackson Pollack of cross streets, signage, and lights.  While I love the fuss and flurry of the Big Apple, I do find it difficult to truly and completely soak in the majesty of human creation the city exemplifies.  True revelation in the awesomeness of the city, let alone actual navigation, takes deliberate focus and a singular objective.  It is difficult enough just to stay afloat, at times.  It was, however, far easier to lounge on sunny dock in a lake in the middle of the woods and let the silence penetrate every inch of me.  I felt safe in my surroundings.  There was only one, maybe two, paths from here to anywhere.  Things made sense out there.

The most brilliant thing about this theory, however, is how seamlessly it applies to romantic relationships in small towns versus big cities.  Just like the salad dressing aisle, in a small town, the amount of "information" available is more likely to be digestible.  In the context of romance, rather than being the physical layout of the land, the "information" is the emotional layout of the dating "scene".  This is where the sheer number of dating options comes into play; the volume of eligible individuals alone may make dating in NYC unmanageable.  But, even if a person is able to navigate the sea of men and women the city presents and find some sort of system of ordering and participating in the dating game, it is unlikely that the third element of basic informational need will be met.  That is to say that New York is a veritable buffet of romantic stimuli -- it is the home of the most beautiful models, the most creative performers, the most transformational fashionistas, the richest men, the smartest women, the most brooding hipsters, and the most conducive venues in which to immerse yourself if the neon jumble of romantic possibilities.  It's a constant barrage of information and distraction.  No sooner do you find a person you like than you get side-tracked by another shiny object strolling past.  We might as well all have relationship ADD.  

It is no wonder, then (assuming you are able to vault the first two informational hurdles and find a single person that meets your criteria and to whom you have a connection) that it seems so difficult to maintain focus long enough to build a relationship around that core nugget of connection.  With so much to distract us in the world of dating, it is easy to remain perpetually (emotionally) detached.  There is always something (or someone) more to explore, something brighter to catch our eye, something more tempting, more alluring, and more foreign.  With the constant stimulation of NYC dating options, behaving reasonably (in the direction most likely to bring happiness) becomes problematic.  Rationality requires the ability to focus on the task at hand.  Relationships require the ability to focus on developing familiarity and trust.  With all of the "pretty lights" distracting us from the business of building interpersonal connections, the emotional security and reward of a deep and vital relationship with another human being almost seems like a statistical impossibility.

Pretty dismal prognosis.  So, where is the silver lining?  Honestly, I can't be sure.  But, I sure hope it is in the knowing itself that a ray of light shines through this cloud.  I believe in my heart of hearts that most people want what seems so difficult to attain.  We all have different career ambitions, lifestyle choices, and political ideologies, but if there is one goal that unites us as a species it is the pursuit of love.  It is a cliche for a reason -- because it is true -- to love and be loved in return is one of the greatest triumphs of the human condition.  To set our goal and recognize the likely impediments propels us each so much closer to actually achieving it.  The city will always be the city, with all of its glorious and terrible options.  And, as long as we're here, it is only armed with awareness that we can save us from ourselves.

Maybe a good place to start is just in getting back to nature.  It is so easy to get caught in the current of work and play in NYC that we forget what it means to slow down, strip away the things that tend to divert our attention, and take the time to center ourselves and tap into the spirit and energy that connects us with the rest of the world.  Urban Escapes is an NYC (and Boston and DC and Philly) gem whether you fancy yourself zen or zany...check it out for a much-needed change of pace...

Urban Escapes
http://urbanescapesusa.com (or follow on Facebook or Twitter @urbanescapes)
Whether you’re an outdoor enthusiast or someone who needs a weekend away from the grind, we’ve got a trip for you. From overnight hiking excursions to serene yoga getaways, Urban Escapes aren’t just vacations—they’re experiences. You will discover beautiful places, learn invaluable skills and make real friendships by meeting fellow New Yorkers in a different setting. So if an afternoon in Central Park is feeling a little too crowded and you’re getting sick of the same old bars, come join us on one of our adventures and see why people keep coming back.  (Content from Urban Escapes on Facebook)