Why, Thank You, I Love Me, Too!

“All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction.” (Oscar Wilde)

I have been reading article upon article recently about what one psychologist has dubbed "The Narcissism Epidemic."  Even bloggers in the business world are ruminating on the benefits and detriments of a more narcissistic young workforce in the office setting.  Supposedly Gen Y employees have inflated egos, excess confidence, and an unhealthy appetite for risk.  A narcissist is, in the simplest of terms, a "user".  The trademark over-confidence of a narcissist comes from the belief that he or she is actually superior to others and is invulnerable.  The narcissist turns a blind eye to how his actions affect others if they are calculated to get him what he wants. 

While I don't really like thinking of my own generation this way, and while I think a distinction should be drawn between pathological narcissism and merely narcissistic tendencies, I have to admit that I see it all the time in the dating world -- especially in New York City, where self-centeredness is all the rage.  R's roommate provided a perfect example the other weekend when he pursued me for the first half of the evening, and when I wasn't fawning over him enough, he tried for J. When she turned him down, he tried to get back in my good graces. It mattered less who he ended up with than what he got out of it. He took a sizable risk in playing girlfriends off of one another, and ultimately failed to get what he wanted.  The next day, rumor has it that he told a friend that he had the two of us fighting over him.  I doubt his ego would have allowed him to believe otherwise.  (Never mind that it was inevitable that the three of us would piece it all together later and have a good laugh at his expense.)  But, just as often, I am willing to bet that men can use this tactic and succeed.  And, we girls are no better. In private moments, when we're being honest with ourselves, my girlfriends and I will even admit that "tonight we just want male attention" -- forget the whole finding a rewarding relationship mission; we just want someone to validate us. 

Narcissists typically use people to support inflated concepts of themselves, disregarding the effects on the other person but maintaining control over their self-image. And, while I doubt most of us would meet the clinical definition of narcissists, I do notice a growing trend towards shameless embrace of self-serving motives.  A heartbreaking example is of one of my dear friends whose fiance broke it off with her a month before their wedding, telling her that "it just wasn't fun anymore" -- of course, this was after he managed to get elected to public office on her time. But, we see it even in less appalling examples, like our willingness to sleep with each other without the intent to follow through or hand out our phone numbers along with a healthy helping of false hope. We want to see ourselves as desired and will use the nearest acceptable person to effect that result...but forget about any return phone calls.

 

Even the expectation we have that we will eventually end up with someone who meets an impossible list of characteristics is an indication of our societal narcissistic tendency towards materialism and entitlement.  Narcissist or not, basically, I get the feeling that we all think that we are better than we actually are, because we habitually seek out and adhere only to those people and activities that support that conclusion.  And only someone who we deem worthy enough to possess us will make the grade.  One blogger notes a 2007 study that examined the link between self-esteem and performance. The more the participants were presented with affirmations during the learning process, the lower their test scores got.  The lesson:  it is, in fact, possible to think too highly of ourselves.

At the same time, critics of modern "good" parenting also lament the upbringing of our generation as having been overly praise-laden and indulgent, producing young adults who expect success on the first try (i.e. instant gratification) and recognition for even paltry positive performance.  The result of such perpetual praise is the expectation of constant affirmation that what they are doing is "on the right track" and that their work is superior, even when it clearly is not.  The result is an odd breed of insecurity mixed with entitlement.

My dating translation:  In the old days, couples would have entire relationships consisting of letter writing -- and the long waits in between arrivals would only serve to strengthen their affection for their partner, each letter more valuable than the next, until the day they were united in matrimony -- the great reward for patience and perseverance.  Their thoughts were with the object of their desire, not focused on themselves. They maintained confidence in their beliefs about the other person.  And they demonstrated a constancy of emotion in the face of time and distance that is rare today.  These days, if too many hours pass between text messages, we'll start to worry that he doesn't like us.  Worse still, a matter of days without droplets of affirmation and we start to wonder if we really like him, not because our conception of who he is has changed, but because we aren't receiving positive reinforcement from external sources (namely the guy himself).  Recently, I was seeing (non-exclusively) a great, stable, cute, fun, successful guy semi-regularly for at least a couple of months.  In early August, he came down with bronchitis, so I could not see him for a few weeks, and by September, it was like we never even knew one another.  Without favorable dates to help measure the success of our developing relationship, the entire thing just fizzled.

But, how to reconcile these two characterizations of our generation?  (Over-confident on the one hand and insecure on the other?)  Philosopher Martha Nussbaum has published a book supporting education in the humanities, arguing for a cultivation of the sympathetic imagination -- the ability to examine things from another person's point of view -- with which we are born, but must develop into a functioning faculty. Narcissism is, in essence, the failure of our sympathetic imagination to mature. And it allows us to function in a self-centered vacuum.  It makes sense that we would develop these behaviors if we were praised in excess as children, leading us to believe that we can never fail.  We never come to understand the emotional implications of defeat, and have an understandably hard time imagining it in others.  Meanwhile, dependent on external praise, we also do not develop the ability to reaffirm our success intrinsically.  In some cases, I think our narcissistic thought patterns may even be a mechanism for coping with insecurity.  In essence, according to the sources above, what our parents have created is a generation of adults who believe that they cannot fail, but who need constant reassurance from external sources that they are, indeed, succeeding.  It's the tandem skydiving of the psychosocial world -- we are chomping at the bit to jump from the plane, but we want someone there letting us know that it is ok to pull the ripcord.

I have seen myriad examples among my group of friends, myself included, of this sort of insecure narcissism in romantic attachments.  In general, a pattern is emerging of men (and women) who exhibit absolute confidence in their ability to get what they want in the dating world and excel in social situations, exuding charm and guile (useful in attracting admirers), but who also require perpetual affirmation of their value in eyes of others and who give up easily when the going gets rough.  Either we take great risks (in our eyes) -- making plans to visit a guy we hardly know, planning a vacation months in advance with someone we just started dating, giving a man our phone number -- only to dwell in doubt about our value in doing so -- what if he doesn't like me when I get there?  what does it mean that we haven't talked in 4 days?  why isn't he calling me?  Or we abandon all hope of what we formerly considered success to avoid the not-knowing-if-we're-good-enough pothole, and resort to using people to fulfill our needs for validation and affection.  In fact, failing miserably in the first category may even precipitate our gravitation towards the second.

No matter what narcissistic or over-indulged tendency we tend towards, the root is the same -- being more concerned with whether the other person is willing and able to meet our validation needs than whether we are able to meet theirs.  Rather than seeking affirmation for every decision we make with regard to love, maybe we should just enjoy making the decision.  (I think they call that living.)  After all, narcissism is all about avoidance -- avoiding failure, avoiding the truth about the consequences of our decisions, avoiding having to see ourselves as anything other than our fantastical notions of who we are, but most of all avoiding the sting of romantic failure and the attendant revelation that we are not, in fact, the gold standards we think we are.  But, it's a cyclical pattern that we could very well ride into perpetuity -- our uncouth avoidance tactics only give us more to avoid. 

So, why don't we just stop avoiding defeat?  In reality, we can't have it both ways -- we can't take over-confident risks while simultaneously being afraid to fail.  We have to jump headlong, and accept the results.  Even if it feels like failing.  In failing, we learn how to succeed.  And as we come closer and closer to figuring out how to find success on our own, perhaps we will be come less dependent on other people's perception of our success.  And in feeling success as a result of actually succeeding, perhaps we will feel less of a need to use others to bolster our golden image of ourselves.  And, if we are not using others, we are free to actually appreciate and validate them and may even come to find that they genuinely appreciate and validate us in return.

Whether for mere validation or genuine interaction, some choice and not-so-choice locations hosted our hot mess of narcissism and insecurity this week:

BBar

East 4th St. and Bowery

Actually, really liked the outdoor space and open air bar here.  Not as crowded on a Friday as one might expect it to be.  A little bit bummed that the selection of straight guys was somewhat limited.  May have just been the night...or the fact that it is kind of a nice place.  Drinks were expensive, even for New York.  (Except for the $4 Corona special.) And the server was anal retentive.  But, a nice atmosphere and good people made it worth while.

310 Lounge
310 Bowery btw Bleecker and Houston
I hated this place.  Hated.  That's a strong word, I know.  Literally, wanted to leave after being there for about 30 seconds.  The music was terrible -- the kind that thinks it's dance music but that no one can really even dance to.  Way too heavy on the bass and way too loud.  It was really dark and not well attended.  And the folks that were there were creepy.  I left as soon as possible.

Bistango

East 29th St. and 3rd Ave.

Ahhhh-mazing.  Really and truly.  Such a cute Italian place.  And, bonus for L, everything can be made gluten-free.  They even asked about dietary restrictions after seating us.  We had a gluten-free Italian feast!  And it was soooo good.  I also had an apple and goat cheese salad (pictured) that was really tasty.  I don't even want to mention the gluten-free chocolate torte because I am afraid that everyone will eat it all up before I can get there again.  The servers were friendly (and quiet), the wine selection was decent, and the experience was delightful.  This place is definitely going on the rotation.

Blind Tiger
281 Bleecker near Jones St.
Another great spot!  Kind of on the small side, but cozy and crowded, just like a real bar should be.  They had a killer beer selection, which changes regularly.  I think there must have been like 30 beers on tap.  We were near the bathroom, and people were pretty rude about bumping past us, but other than that, it seemed like a good typical West Village after-work crowd.  The price wasn't even too bad.  And the bartender was all business.