One of my best friends in the world got married this weekend. So, of course, I have got weddings on the brain. For the last 96 hours, I have been living, eating, sleeping, and breathing wedding. Longer than that, in fact, since I lived with the bride for two months mid-planning period. We've had an engagement dinner, a bachelorette party, wedding showers, a pre-wedding trip to the lake, hair appointments, nail appointments, alteration appointments, a wedding rehearsal, a rehearsal dinner, post-wedding rehashing, photo sorting... I even got to participate in the cake tasting. And the bride, well, she did that plus everything else, including making a binding life-long commitment. It's Monday, and I am thoroughly, utterly, and absolutely exhausted. With all of that planning, fretting, problem solving, and fun-having, I can't help but wonder what is it all for?
The cynic in me chuckles and mutters under her breath, "For the gifts, of course." For the attention. For the parents. On the other hand, the romantic in me says the answer is obvious: to celebrate love in all its majesty with everyone who ever meant anything to you, because a person in love loves the whole world all at once and cannot possibly stem the glory of love welling in her heart and radiating from her pores. Oooohhh love. Lovely love. Love love love. Love. I certainly like this explanation better. But, both seem sort of polarized.
Weddings are most definitely meant to be celebrations of love. But, love still exists without the five parties, the expensive dress, the decadent cake, the sit-down dinner, the bridesmaids, the flowers, the tuxes, and the church, right? Honestly, if love depends on having cookies with my initials on them, I am royally screwed. But, if the love still stands when all of the ruffles and glitter are stripped away, then why go through the torture of planning and executing a wedding -- for many, the single most stressful, angst-ridden, bank account-draining, over-hyped event of their lives?
Every bride I have ever known (including myself, in a past life) jumps at the thought of planning her wedding, and then immediately starts complaining about how overwhelming it is. And for what? A year of aggravation for an evening of dancing? Is it the fantasy that movies and magazines have built up in our heads as the fifteen-minutes of fame to which we are entitled for falling in love? Congratulations, you are capable of making a commitment!? Isn't the decision to turn one's life over to another enough without having to also decide what color the nine bridesmaids will wear and whether there will be a chocolate fountain at the reception? My guess is that most of us have already worked and struggled and compromised more than enough to get to the point where we can maintain a functional and loving relationship, do we really need to prove it further by waging another war with our families over whether we need to pay an extra $3 per head for chair covers? What exactly are we trying to prove by having the most elegant, tasteful, unique, raging-good-time-of-a-wedding we can possibly assemble without going completely broke?
I simply cannot convince myself that the wedding is a measure of the love that supports it. In fact, the bigger and fancier the wedding, the more the actual love and commitment elements seem to fade into the horizon. With so many superficial concerns running through her head -- will the limo be on time? does my hair look good? should I have lost five more pounds? is the photographer capturing this face I am making? -- how could there possibly be enough room for those that are the crux of the event -- why do I love this person? how will I handle the rough spots? do I trust him with my every necessity? can I imagine a life without him? I am not saying that it's not possible to multi-task and compartmentalize. But, is it really necessary to dress up love with icing and lace to make it beautiful? Or is the raw tenderness of the commitment of marriage sweeter served a la carte?
By no means am I trying to criticize elaborate weddings or brides who revel in the details of their big day. For many of them, the effort they put in trying to make that day as resplendent as they possibly can is simply a reflection of their intense feelings for their spouse-to-be and a measure of the effort and care they will put into the marriage for years to come. And that is certainly a wonderful thing. But, I would guess that, just as often, the wedding becomes a competition --- Who can book the best venue? Who can spend the most money? Who buys the most beautiful dress? Who can project the most happiness? Who is the most worthy of love? Too often, I think we might forget that the relationship, the commitment, the love at the root of it all, grew while we were being ourselves, while we were having bad hair days and waking up with morning breath and leaving dishes in the sink and wearing sweats to the corner store. Worthiness cannot be quantified in the number of wedding guests in attendance. The most touching moment of the day is the one that happens whether the guests number two or two-hundred. The most enchanting bride is not the one with the designer dress; she is the one whose happiness radiates into those surrounding her. The heart of the ceremony transcends rhinestones and freesia and hairspray. Marriage is not beautiful because of the weddings...it is beautiful in spite of them.
JI's wedding this weekend was spectacular in every detail. But, having had the privilege of living with her and her husband-to-be for a period of time, I am even more impressed with their boundless enthusiasm for and quiet commitment to building an enduring life with one another. It is this that shone in JI's face at her wedding , and no hair-do or fancy shoes could have made her more stunning that day.
No comments:
Post a Comment