Are Platonic Pals Possible?

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. (Oscar Wilde)

Question: Can men and women ever really be just friends? We have half a million years of history, most of which was spent clubbing a mate over the head and dragging her home to the cave.  Only a few centuries ago, men still thought of women as, at best conquests, and at worst, property.  Can we really have come all that far in the last few hundred years?  Pop culture has attempted to answer this question for decades now. One of the most famous scenes in cinematic history gets at this very topic...

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
(When Harry Met Sally, 1989)

We all know how that one ends. But, 1989 was a long time ago. And, it's pretty well accepted that traditional gender roles have diminished substantially in the last 20 to 50 years. Right? I mean, more women are going to college than men, the co-habitation rate is higher than it's ever been, and gay marriage is making strides everyday. Our concept of men and women as distinct and separate groups has evolved, so why not our attitude towards male-female friendships? (Especially here in New York City, where we're all supposed to be liberal and unconfined by the chains of tradition.)

I am not talking about casual acquaintances...everyone has those in-between friends that they see around, chat animatedly with, and may or may not take to bed at some point in the future. They come associated with groups or geographies, and if a few months went by without encountering them, one might barely notice. I am talking about friend friends. The kind you might have on speed dial, with whom you "check in" periodically, and in whom you have made some sort of emotional investment. Real friends....Possible?

I generally take the stance that life is sublimely messy and that, as a result, anything is possible. (Which is a wonderful thing.) But, from a concrete, practical standpoint, the question does give me some pause. I suppose I am bound to answer "yes" seeing as I, myself, have a handful of what I consider real boy friends (note the separation). But, I can't honestly say that sex doesn't come into (and go out of) the equation some of the time. In fact, a couple of my relationships with my man friends began with sex (or romance of some sort) and evolved into platonic relationships. Some have had seasons of sexual attraction. And some have remained chaste for as long as I can remember knowing the guy. Whatever their impetus or hurtles, all of my man-friendships are as dear to me as my girl-friendships. But, they are also necessarily different in their own way.

Men get from women what they don't get from other men -- bonding through talking and sharing thoughts and emotions. And women get from men what they don't get from other women -- lighter, less emotionally fraught company and the benefit of the male perspective. Really, cross-gender relationships stand to enrich the lives of both parties and provide a mutually beneficial alliance. I view most of my guy friends, to some degree, like brothers. I care about their well-being, share details of my life with them, ask for advice, and genuinely want to see them happy. One of them even drove for hours through the night to attend my college graduation in place of my real brother. But, as delightful as cross-gender relationships can be, they are minefields of complication. Often, one must tread more carefully in such a friendship than with same-sex friends.

This month has been a month of man friends for me -- more than a few incidences and nights out with my guy friends have got me to thinking about the intricacies of cross-gender friendships. And, while, per usual, I have absolutely no answers, I do have some observations about men and women and platonic ties:

1. Maturity. Maturity is a big factor in our ability to maintain platonic opposite-sex relationships. It makes sense that age would factor in. When we're young, we lack exposure to the opposite sex on a regular basis. Middle school and high school are when girls learn how to use their sexuality to get what they want and almost make a game of it -- like Buck Hunter, but with boys. It's also a time when guys hang out primarily with sports teams almost 24-7 and form a united front against the girl-vasion. For all intents and purposes, we are just as segregated in today's conventional educational setting as we were in the 1950s. But, as we get older and enter the working world, we are forced to interact on a daily basis with members of the opposite sex completely platonically (if we are to avoid litigation) and on a more even playing field. In doing so, we put aside the sex part, and are exposed to each other on an intellectual and personal level that might have otherwise been obscured by sexual tension. Practice makes perfect, and as a generation, we have more opportunity than most before us to perfect the art of the platonic relationship.

I know for a fact that, as I have gotten older, my potential for being a real platonic friend to a guy has increased. When I was thirteen, I was so boy crazy, that any connection -- any at all -- got me excited at the romantic prospects (which, at that point, ranged from talking on the telephone to holding hands in the hallway). But, having taken a few turns around the block at this point, I have honed my ability to interpret my emotional responses to people. Age, and our attendant experience, allow us to make finer distinctions. As a result, I am able to detect a man I am attracted to as a friend but who possess qualities that I'd rather not have in a boyfriend. For instance, I have a guy friend who is smart, funny, ambitious, handsome, and cultured, but who flagrantly provokes people with different view points than his and who, at times, has exhibited objectively questionable moral character when it comes to women. Not dateable. ( As friends, we are much more tolerant of these kinds of flaws.)  But, he's one of the most loyal, protective, honest, and interesting people I know.  My younger self might have confused my admiration of his better traits for romantic affection, but my older self picks the difference out pretty easily. 

2. Sexuality. Let's not pretend that this isn't an issue. It is. At some point in every platonic relationship, one or the other of you has thought about it. Maybe you acted on it; maybe you didn't. Maybe you're still trying to decide. Sexual attraction to otherwise platonic friends is normal (for reasons I'll describe below -- see "Substitutes"). Usually, it is temporary and not all that intense. But, sex does have a way of wrecking man-woman friendships. It's my opinion that, if it does, it probably wasn't all that platonic a relationship in the first place. In fact, I suspect that one of the reasons we are so convinced that truly platonic man-woman relationships can't exist is because we are terrible at picking them out. The fact that they can exist doesn't necessarily mean that yours is one. After all, we humans are extremely talented in the selective perception department (but that's another discussion altogether). (See "Perceptions")  If we were better at actually identifying which of our opposite-sex friendships is truly platonic, we'd probably get a better rate of return on them. And, we would avoid all of that awkward do-we-transition-this-or-not stuff. I dated a guy briefly in college who was "best friends" with his roommate's ex-girlfriend. For various reasons, he insisted that they were "just friends." But, to just about everyone outside of that relationship, they were obviously in love. It was so sweet, that even I, the current girlfriend, wanted them to get together. Mercifully, we broke up. At first, he recoiled when I suggested he ask her out. Now, they are blissfully married with two kids. Imagine if they had let the desire not to "kill" the friendship keep them from dating. The point is -- be careful before you label a friendship platonic. You're not doing anyone any favors by fooling yourself. Another wrinkle in the fabric of friendship is that they, like all things, evolve. Just as it is possible for a friendship to start off on a romantic foot and (de)evolve into a platonic relationship, it is possible for a platonic relationship to evolve into a romantic one. As people we are all constantly changing, which means our relationships are in constant flux as well. Best be vigilant, son.

3. Boundaries. Boundaries are key. Once we admit that sex creeps into all platonic relationships occasionally, we can then decide what we'll do about it when it does. More likely than not, we prefer the friendship over the fleeting sexual attraction we might feel for a friend (most likely under the influence of alcohol). Usually, if the friend were going to be more than a friend, we would have already figured that out. Slipping up, however, can put the friendship in jeopardy. And, more importantly, if you've got an actual romantic relationship in the works, it can throw a wrench in that as well. I remember a time a while back when my ex-boyfriend (with whom I had been just friends for a number of years at that point) called me up and told me that we couldn't talk anymore (he limited our interaction to the occasional Facebook message). Our relationship made his fiancee uncomfortable. To be honest, it probably should have. There are some friendships where purely platonic feelings are just not possible given a particular history. I was pretty pissed.

But, I also respected him for assessing the reality of the situation and setting his boundaries firmly. It's like your romantic relationship is a garden -- it needs nurturing to grow into something fruitful. And, platonic friends are like the bunnies that eat the tender buds of the garden. You might like the bunnies (they are cute after all), but if the bunnies were to get into the garden and nibble the heads off all the flowers, you'd be eating rabbit for dinner that night (if you get my drift). Problem:  How to keep the bunnies around and maintain the garden? Solution: Don't let the bunnies put themselves in that situation. Help the bunnies help themselves, and build a nice little fence around that garden. Keep the bunnies out of the romance and the romance out of the bunnies.

4. Substitutes. Love comes and goes; friends are forever. Truth. But, what about when love keeps going and going and going? It is a fact of life that, at some point, we will each feel lonely, unloved, unattractive, or unimportant. Sometimes, we just need a cuddle or a compliment or attention. Sometimes, the nearest boy will do. It is easy, especially for girls, to employ boy friends as substitute lovers. We'll flirt. Or we'll demand attention. Or we'll impose expectations similar to those we'd impose on a boyfriend. I was dating a guy once who had a girl friend that, when she wasn't dating anyone, would call his cell regularly. When he didn't answer, she'd call his work. When he didn't answer again, she'd call his land line. Finally, she'd send a text asking why he was ignoring her?!? When he finally called back, figuring she must be near death considering the number of times she'd called him, she'd pause on the other line, and in her cutest little-me voice say, "Oh, well, I just wanted to say 'hi'." Once you start projecting boyfriend expectations on your boy friends, you know you've crossed the line. The point is that boy friends are NOT substitute boyfriends. But, it is easy to try to get what we need or want or long for romantically from them -- because they are there, and they care about us. And, without anyone to focus our romantic or sexual energy on, they all of the sudden start looking more attractive. Beer goggles are nothing compared to lonely girl goggles. But, substitution is a dangerous business. It's basically just using.  And confusing for the friend.  By employing platonic friends as substitutes, we stand to wreck not only our friendships but the other friend's romantic attachments, if any, as well.

5. Perceptions. I think this is the most overlooked part of male-female friendship. We all live inside of our own heads, and often, we miss the reality of a situation as a result. Not that we would always be able to tell what the truth is (without telepathy, anyway), because the other half of any friendship can hide inside his or her own head as well. If this weren't the case, there would be no such thing as getting trapped in the "friend zone" -- our intentions would be obvious, so decisions could be made up front. I once attempted to have a friendship with a guy to whom I made my intentions very clear from the very beginning -- I was interested only in being friends (he had a great personality, but was just not my type in other respects). He agreed that he would like to do the same. Now, I really did want to get to know this person and thought that we could develop a solid friendship. But, little by little I noticed tiny red flags going up -- just one text too many, just a little too eager, dwelling just a little too long at my stoop, making just a little too much eye contact. It added up. Thankfully, I had had doubts from the get go about this guy's intentions to remain platonic and, so, was being vigilant in my observations. After hashing them through with my girlfriends, we all came to the very same conclusion -- it was a friend ambush (a "frambush").

Guys and girls alike engage in the frambush...they creep along in the friend zone until the time is right, and then they spring their undying love on you, hoping that it will all turn out like a John Cusack movie. Alas, it never does, everyone ends up being uncomfortable, and you realize you just wasted valuable energy on someone who had ulterior motives all along. It seems so devious when put in this context, but it really isn't. From my perspective, we were growing a friendship. From his perspective, we were growing a relationship. The unrequited lover is usually just swept up in emotion and the blind focus that comes with infatuation. He believes that you will come to love him if he is patient. The kindest approach is to be aware of the signs and wean him from you gently when they appear. But, be alert. Don't allow your own platonic perception to cloud your ability to detect his romantic one.

It's a tricky business, this guy-girl friendship thing. But, then, what aspect of life and relating isn't riddled with complication? As with all things, cross-gender friendships are about navigation. Read the seas and stay your course. After all, there was a time when everyone thought the world was flat. (And, who's the idiot now??) The truth is that there is a whole world of possibilities out there when it comes to friendship dynamics. Anything that can exist will exist. And, as with anything involving men and women, it's probably best to just be honest with ourselves about our perceptions versus reality. Enjoy the people we are given, and allow them to become whatever they will become. If you are blessed with a kindred spirit, take him or her for what she is. After all, as I noted in my last post, who we are -- our being -- resides in the soul. And souls don't have a gender.

Whether it's boy friends or girl friends or girlfriends or boyfriends with whom you consort, here are a few spots that I have found this week that cater to a great time with all friends...

The Ginger Man
East 36th St. btw 5th Ave and Madison
Wow -- this place was paaaaacked. Thursday night, Midtown East, not a surprise. But, it was huge. And still standing room only. R and I snagged a little table in the back room, which was mostly couches and coffee tables. We both had just a liiiittle too much of the house Pumpkin Spice Ale -- which was really tasty and relatively cheap. That particular day we were on a mission to catch up and gossip. But, had we been there for the men, there would have been plenty to choose from. The beer selection was massive (see photo). And the vibe was good. If you work in midtown, definitely check this place out after work hours.

Ulysses
58 Stone St.

Stone Street is known for its after work scene, especially on a Thursday night. We got there kind of late, actually, but it was still going strong. There are plenty of bars to choose from on Stone Street, but Ulysses has these outdoor tables (which would have been nicer on a warmer night) and just a general atmosphere of Irish debauchery. The bar itself is cozy despite being enormous. (It stretches through from Pearl to Stone.) And there is something I just love about a bar full of people in business attire acting like college kids. (Which they are after three hours of happy hour consumption.) If you're a girl in a pencil skirt, you're pretty much guaranteed to be hit on -- which can be nice after a hard day in the corporate trenches. The bartender was pleasant. And the drinks were drinkable. So, yes, go here if you're in the area.


Sugar Cafe
Corner of Allen St. (1st Ave) and E. Houston

Spent a good part of our time here in a corner of the all-glass store front comforting R after an episode of mixed signals involving a gay boy friend. Oh, drama -- you belong in a cute diner at 2 am on a Saturday night. So SATC. :) Aside from that, the food was decent. I wasn't paying much attention, to be honest. And neither was the waiter. But, it was late. And people were testy. But, the venue was perfect, and located right by the LES, which is optimal for hitting up on the way home from the bars. Or in between bars, as the case may have been for us that night. I'd be interested in visiting in the light of day...

Abraço
7th At. btw 1st and 2nd Ave.

Happiness, thy name is authentic Italian roast on a Sunday morning. Teeny, tiny, tasty. That about sums this place up. By far, the best coffee I've had in NYC, down to the heart shape in the foam of my latte. You know it's good when the Eurotrash gets up early to buy a fresh cup. There's no decaf, no skim milk, and no Splenda allowed in this club. Either you drink dark, strong coffee/espresso with whole milk and real sugar, or you get the heck out. Too small to really sit down, get your espresso to go and take it to the dog park like L and I did. You won't be disappointed.

Tu-Lu's
11th St. btw 1st and 2nd Ave.

This is L's favorite gluten-free bakery. And I can totally see why. Gluten-free doesn't mean fat free, of course. But, you still feel so much better about yourself after coming here than a normal bakery. From cupcakes, to coffee cakes, to honey oat bread, this place specializes in wheat-free delights. The chocolate peanut butter mini-cupcake I had rivaled Sweet Melissa's.  L swears by their red velvet.  And, the loaf of honey oat bread I brought home is already half gone. We got some delicious gluten-free sandwiches here and took them with our coffee to the park, which rounded out the perfect little Sunday. Plus, the bakery girls are so nice. Tu-Lu's was definitely part of the reason we were particularly glad this weekend that we live right here, in New York City.