Illuminating Blind Spots

So, good news and bad news. 

Good:  I finally have a cool friend at the office! 

Bad:  He's moving to San Francisco in a month.  Bummer. 

I am, however, determined to make the best of the situation.  Order of business #1: boys.  Isn't it always?  As my girlfriends will tell you, that's one of the first signs that you could actually be friends with a person -- the ability to talk with them frankly about boys.  And dating.  This is probably because it is both an interesting (and hilarious) topic, but also somewhat personal.  (Also, let's just get out of the way: he has a girlfriend, so no, ladies, he is not available -- which is a shame because he's totally dateable.)  So, we're having this (ongoing) dialogue about men and women, and he asks me what is my "type"?  Hmmm...welllll, good question. 

I rattle off some characteristics I like in a guy -- intelligent, adventurous, grounded, positive, witty, humble -- and he responds, "Well, that's vague." 
"Ha! Ok, well, then what's your type?" 
"I definitely have a type," he says.  "Straight blond hair, clear skin, on the shorter side, and...how do I put this?...curvy." 
"Like, well-endowed?" 
"Ummm, more like just curvy.  In general.  I don't like the really skinny girls." 
"Huh.  Ok." 
"You'd get it if you saw my girlfriend." 
(To myself)  "Oh, I get it, friend -- every time I look in the mirror.  Thanks for describing myself to me.  Why why why do you have to be totally hot?" 
Aside from the approximately four seconds it took me to get over the dismay, I was actually thankful to hear that a decent-looking, smart, funny guy could think someone *like* me could be his preference.  In a city full of pretty, lithe, 22-year-old models, there is hope, after all.  Hallelujah and aaaa-men. 

But, then I remember the conversation we had last week about strong, independent, intelligent women (also, me).  Mr. Workfriend had remarked that I should have no trouble finding guys to date in NYC because I was the ideal girl for the type of guy who hangs around the city -- smart, pretty, self-reliant, confident, funny, etc.  I looked at him with a mixture of shock and skepticism.  As much as I would loooooove to believe this, all evidence has been to the contrary in my experience.  I can think of at least three exes (off the top of my head) that said they wanted Miss Hot Career Woman but who eventually ended up with Miss Second Grade Teacher or Miss Perpetual Student or Miss Hairdresser.  To prove my point, I asked Mr. Workfriend: "What does your girlfriend do?"  "Ahhh...actually I am not sure she really 'works'."  Aha.  There you have it.  We are lawyers; evidence is everything.  Plus, its a pretty ubiquitous phenomenon..every Hot Career Woman has a similar sob story.  I pointed out my observations to my friend and asked for an explanation.

He gracefully conceded the point and gave it a think.  You know, he says, I think men like the idea of a business woman, but in practice they plan too much, push things along, and have the impulse to direct the relationship -- "Where is this going?" "What does that mean?" -- and do a constant cost-benefit analysis.  Simpler girls tend to just let things be and are more easy-going.  Hm.  While I definitely don't think that this theory is flawless, I do see where he has a point:  Women in more high-powered careers usually got there by operating on a certain level of intensity and probably are predominately Type A personalities.  It makes sense they would be more directive and purposeful in a relationship (and in life in general).  The corporate ladder isn't all they seek to climb.  And, women who have not achieved as much career-wise are more likely to be laid-back or less driven in general.  This is not meant to be a judgment -- just a fact. 

I, for one, don't like the idea of being placed into any box, even if I am in the company of Hot Career Women.  And, I certainly don't see myself as bossy or overbearing.  But, I began to worry that others might see me that way, or at the very least assume I would be that way (which would present quite the uphill battle).  But then again, maybe I am deluding myself into thinking that I qualify as a Hot Career Woman.  Just because I have a career doesn't necessarily mean I can claim that status.  Ultimately, I really have no idea how others perceive me.  And I begin to wonder if I even know how I perceive myself?!  Aauugh...this is getting too complicated.  So, I did what I always do to stave off existential crises -- surf the internet. 

Oh, the interwebs...so full of wonderfully inane and misleading fluff.  But, I did revisit an article I read a couple months ago about the difference between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us.  Perception is all about filters, and the way we perceive ourselves is affected by the filters through which we view our thoughts and actions.  The same is true for our perceptions of others -- the way in which we see them is a function of the assumptions or knowledge we have about them.  According to this article, there are four categories of perceptions that occur:

1.  "Bright Spots" -- Things that both you and other people know about you, like if you are outgoing or gesticulate excessively.

2.  "Dark Spots" -- Things that you don't know about yourself, but neither does anyone else.  This pertains mostly to deep-seated latent psychological issues.

3.  "Personal Spots" -- Things that you know about yourself that no one else knows, usually underlying emotions or opinions that others don't have the benefit of accessing, like how much you hate your boss or your political affiliations.  Outsiders know how you behave, but not what motivates that behavior or whether it is reflective of what you actually think.  This is the first major source of division between your self-concept and others perception of you.

4.  "Blind Spots" -- Things that others know about you, but that you don't see, usually because of your need to see yourself in a positive light (I guess that would be a rose-colored filter).  These items are usually a matter of point of view -- like your attractiveness or intelligence.  They can also be perceptions based on body language (which other can see, but which is out of your range of vision).  It's like the opposite of the personal spot -- outsiders can perceive you objectively based on your behavior, but you have trouble seeing yourself through others' eyes.  This is the second major source of division.

The article goes on to detail why people frequently misjudge their blind spots -- especially intelligence and attractiveness.  Intelligence, because we have a vested interest in seeing ourselves as capable and smart, when in reality our IQs are lower than we would guess.  Attractiveness, because we have an interest in seeing ourselves as beautiful, but can't look through others' eyes.  Not only do we fail to take into account factors that are known to observers, but we incorporate factors in our perceptions of ourselves that observers could never know.  This is the reason that our self-conceptions could be so different from how others perceive us.  Usually, the only reason we would have an accurate idea of our relative attractiveness or intelligence is through direct or indirect feedback from others.  But, when it comes to dateability, how are we supposed to get an honest assessment from friends and/or exes? 

Actually, I have no idea.  I mean, I could conduct a survey, but I wonder what percentage of people would feel comfortable answering honestly (or at all).  (And I wonder how much I really want to know the truth.)

It is possible to have spontaneous revelations about oneself, I suppose.  For instance, during a recent conversation with JK, she was recounting the antics of the latest jerk to waste her time, saying "Of course he is [acting this way] -- I only like douchebags." 
"What?" 
"Seriously, look at my ex-husband, look at the last guy I dated, look at the guys that I like at the bars....douchebags!" 

Of course, we all like to pretend that we like guys because they are "worthy" and that we have impeccable taste when it comes to men, but any one of JK's friends could have made the same observation well before she did.  It is difficult to overcome the filter of how we want to see ourselves, but eventually, JK was able to see her dating preferences for what they are.  Admirable, but tough...it took me about three days to objectively sort through my own dating patterns and recognize that I predominately date narcissists.  (Like, honest-to-God-obsessed-with-themselves narcissists.)  My mother could have told you that six months ago.

The point is:  We can't control how people perceive us, nor do we always accurately perceive ourselves.  All we can do is live with purpose.  Know who we want to be, and do and say the things that that person would do and say.  Some traits are innate, but most are purely habit.  I have read multiple times that, if you want to be a happier person, you should practice smiling and laughing -- and, eventually, it will become automatic.  If you want people to understand you, then express yourself to others.  If you want to understand yourself, then allow them to express you to you.  Somewhere in there, you'll piece it all together.  Chances are that there is someone out there looking for a person exactly like you.  But, you have to discover you before they can.

And while you're at it, here are some more places to discover:

CK14 (The Crooked Knife)
W. 14th St. btw 7th Ave. and 6th Ave. (Ave. of the Americas)

Apparently, there is a Crooked Knife in midtown, but this is not it.  Obviously.  They are, however, associated.  I met a large group of friends and acquaintances here for a get together.  I liked the set up -- sort of a free-floating bar in the center and aisles/seating around the edges.  There was a roomier space in the back as well.  The atmosphere was cozy, exposed brick, warm woodwork -- typical nice NYC bar.  I have no idea how expensive the drinks were because I was pretty tipsy when I paid my tab.  Which I guess is a good sign. I'd definitely come here again -- good meet up space.

Il Bastardo
191 7th Ave btw W. 22st and W. 22nd St.

J and I are taking Italian classes ("E tu? Come ti chiami?"), and finally the word gnocchi was said enough times that we just has to have some.  So, we walked down the street to this block of 7th Avenue, which I think must have the densest concentration of Italian restaurants in a city block outside of Little Italy.  J says this place used to be a hot spot.  I can see why -- the food was realllly good.  I had gnocchi that was fluffier than most.  And, the baked eggplant app we ordered was something special.  However, I can also see why this place has seen its heyday come and go.  The service was terrrrrrrrrrrible.  Really very very bad.  The waiter took forever to come over, they didn't give us the regular menus until demanded (it was 4 p.m. on a Saturday -- what they were thinking giving us brunch menus, I'll never know), J had to hunt them down for some bread for the table, and the waiter was either shy or mute.  The only thing they did quickly was take our money.

Angon on the Sixth
320 East 6th Street btw 1st and 2nd Ave
I eat a lot of Indian food. I love Panna II (previously reviewed, see "Heart Smarts"). That being said, for a complete change of pace, this place was pretty good. I had the chicken tikka masala (it's my baseline for comparison between all Indian establishments), and I actually liked it better here than at Panna II. They did a great job with the spices. And the rice pudding stopped conversation. My date didn't really care for the Special Chicken, but that's what you get for going off tradition, I suppose. The wait staff was exceedingly helpful and friendly, as well. Contrast Panna II's loud Indian music to Angon's relative silence, Panna II's glaringly bright light show to Angon's soft candle-lit effect, Panna II's cramped and crowded dining room to Angon's large and open space. It's still Indian, but it's the difference between TGI Fridays and Per Se.

Dorrian's
Corner of 2nd Ave. and E. 84th St.

This is a Redskins bar.  There is no other way to describe it.  I have no idea what they do when the Redskins aren't playing.  But, when they are, watch out!  If you didn't have a Redskins jersey on, you were in the very small minority.  I wasn't able to stay for the entire game thanks to work, but I am told that the bar was extremely energetic and rowdy -- i.e. a great place to watch a game.  I had a hamburger before I had to go, and I actually really liked it.  It was just what you'd want during a football game -- thick, juicy, and tasted like it came off the backyard barbecue.  It was served on an English muffin, which I kind of liked even though it hardly fit.  This thing was huuuge (that's what she said)...I could only get through about half of it.  And the pickles were really fresh.  Yumm.