Guest Post: JK on Why We're Single

As I mentioned in my last post, JK had some choice things to say about the Hot Career Woman phenomenon.  So much so that she decided to memorialize it for all posterity.  And, voila, The Manhattanite's inaugural guest post!

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After reading Mr. Workfriend's thoughts on why so many strong, career-driven women remain single while those with less self-sufficiency find it easy to pair off, I called Birdie immediately. "His explanation doesn't make sense," I huffed. "Well," she responded, "write a rebuttal for my site and I'll post it" (Birdie is an excellent delegator).

Mr. Workfriend's explanation rings false to me. Most of the career-oriented, intelligent, strong women I know don't drive the relationship or push to have "the talk;" we're willing to take a step back and give their partner some space. We're comfortable seeing how things develop and not pushing for answers or the next step. We're not focused on figuring out where the relationship will be in 5 months or 5 years because we're worried about where our jobs will be and how we'll advance in work. And that, I think, is the real reason most of us are single more often and for longer periods of time then our peers. Because despite what men claim they want, they choose women who are slightly to completely dependent on them. The woman who will put up with being stood up, ignored, or patronized is more likely to keep a boy (note: not man) than the woman who draws a line or moves on with her life when he starts to play games.

This is nothing against men, because women do the same thing. We all lie to ourselves about what we want sometimes. I constantly hear (and have been guilty of saying) that it would be nice to be with someone who texts back right away or wants to be together more often. But for every boy who takes too long to respond or isn't clear with his feelings, there's one who wrote too quickly or seemed too admiring. Feeling too needed is just as off-putting as feeling unwanted. It's a thin line. But one day, hopefully, we find someone walking on the same one.

The tricky thing about strong women, the ones with their lives completely together, is that we aren't any more together than anyone else (okay, maybe a little). Everyone has vices and weaknesses, we've just learned to hide them better. And we've learned that pushing someone to tell you what you want to hear won't make it true. So we don't ask unless we really need to know and are prepared to hear something we don't like. And we don't build our lives on promises of future dates because we know that he may decide next week that this is all too much for him or not enough or just ... not right. So we take it one day at a time. And we vent to our friends and rely on them for future plans and hand-holding when even our short-term hopes fall apart.

And more power to us. Although our date night outfits may grow dusty and unfashionable while we pull on another miniskirt or low-cut shirt and head off to the bars, the time we spend single (but not alone) will be better spent building the friendships that will carry us through the next make-out buddy who never calls or the bar flirt who never asks for your number. And our friends will carry us through the lows that are even lower - problems at work, health issues, and family crises. Because for all the time I spend thinking and worrying about men, the pain I feel when I lose a boy is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I realize I've lost touch with a friend, or when one of my best friends returns home after a too-short visit. Even when I feel depressed contemplating the potential that I will never again wake up to deep-pitched snoring or realizing that, in the past month, my friends have gotten more action in my bed than I have, I'm reminded that I can count on those women to help me when I need to clean up the messes in my life or to go on an impromptu movie date to distract me. Being a strong woman may deter many gorgeous, funny, charming men, but it will never scare away the true loves of my life.

Thanks for letting me guest post, Birdie. If I were a man, I'd try to get you accidentally pregnant.