Mind the (Age) Gap

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.  Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez.  Older woman.  Younger man.  Clearly, it's not a new idea.  (At 26, Anne Hathaway was eight years older than her 18-year-old husband, William Shakespeare.)  But, recently, it seems to be almost en vogue.  For most of my life, I have lived by the rule that I only date men my age or older.  Men mature more slowly than women, so why would I subject myself to any more moronic a man than was absolutely necessary, right? 

My older-men-only rule has come under some serious fire lately, however.   First, because I met a few older men this year who called into question the assumption that with age comes wisdom.  In fact, after I kicked one prime less-than-honest specimen to the curb, he admitted to me that he had misled me because, at a full decade older than me, he was embarrassed that I had my life more "together" than he did.  While I applaud his (very tardy) honesty, it also served to impress upon me the hang-up most older men have with regard to the archaic image of the "man as provider."  Having spent some time lately with a few younger men, I have found that this idea that they must be the superior breadwinners in the relationship has seriously diluted over the last 15 years.  My (slightly older) ex-husband once told me that I was not allowed to mention my income (i.e. that I made more money than him), even when discussing our budget.   

However, an almost five-years-younger man I went out with recently expressed genuine enthusiasm at the thought of being a stay-at-home dad.  Society is ever evolving, so where is the wisdom in refusing to change our own ideas about archetypal relationship/family structures?  If anything, what the last few younger men have proved to me (by contrast with the older men) is that, with age, comes ego, if anything.

And why wouldn't it?  According to my friend Dr. M (a thoroughly macho man), men over thirty in a place like NYC develop a certain ego when it come to women as a result of having been messed around with during their 20s by women who are boring, manipulative, strategizing, self centered, and shallow.  By the time they reach 30, they are not only accomplished in their careers and financially stable, but they have tired of the games women their own age have been playing for the last ten years.  They just don't give a shit anymore, says Dr. M.  And by now, the 20-year-old women are also in their 30's, desperate, and baby-hungry.  What an opportunity for revenge -- especially now that the 30-year-old men can finally snag the 20-year-old women by playing the "wealth and power" card.  The older women may be more straightforward and mature in their third decade, but the older men are too fed-up to care.

I am beginning to think, however, that this may actually be to my advantage.  While I don't believe I qualify as a cougar just yet, I am old enough to have a whole decade of dateable men below me on the age-scale.  And, as I have been dipping into this pool of eligible bachelors lately, I am starting to notice the benefits of dating a younger man that earlier escaped me. 

I asked my Cleveland friend, JI, having just been married to a man a few years her junior, what she likes about being with a younger man. Among other things, she laughed and said that it only makes sense that she marry a younger man -- because women live longer than men, marrying a younger man decreased her chances of outliving him.  (This biological argument is, of course, countered by the fact that female fertility runs out quite a bit sooner than male fertility.) 

In all seriousness, though, younger men tend to have a slightly more flexible worldview (as discussed above with regard to relationship dynamics), which can be much more accommodating of the lifestyle of a career-focused woman.  Most of my girlfriends who are my age have been working very hard on their careers for a number of years, and are not all that excited to give up on all that sweat equity to make way for someone else's career ambitions.  It also doesn't hurt that, by 30, the career-focused woman is not that different than the 30-year-old man in that, not having been supported for the last decade, she is often more financially stable and less likely to choose a man for his ability to fund the relationship.

Plus, men in their 20s have more energy, are less jaded, and tend to be more active than men in their 30s.  These attributes lend a certain vitality to the relationship that keeps us women from stagnating, as so often happens when one is hitched to a husband who watches sports on the couch all weekend.  True, if men in their 20s today possess these general characteristics, then they probably did when we were in our 20s as well.  But, 20-year-old women are not really in a position to appreciate the positive aspects of the 20-year-old man, mainly because we were still all in a tizzy trying to find ourselves and control our environment at that age.

Women who have made it to 30 alive and single have often done so only by weathering significant storms on the relationship front.  Often we have had a few serious relationships (or marriages) by our age.  And while we may come to port a little emotionally battered, our experience has often made us less self-conscious and more emotionally stable when it comes to dealing with the ups and downs of a relationship.  We are less likely to be needy and more likely to be giving.  I can say from experience that I have changed more as a person in my 20s than I did during any other period in my life.  A few years can make a big difference in personal philosophies and romantic ideologies.  My 25-year-old cousin recently got engaged to his girlfriend, a woman six years his senior.  And while it took the oldest generation of my family a little time to get over the gap, seeing the two of them together makes the older woman-younger man phenomenon make sense.  The trials and tribulations (including a divorce) that she has endured have only served to make her deeper and more beautiful both physically and as a person.  And my cousin, with all of his youthful vim and vigor, is in a position not only to appreciate that about her but to express it with the energy and enthusiasm that she deserves.  While a younger woman still clings to the notion that love is the fancy, self-centered pink bubble that ends in marriage, an older one is more likely to have the perspective to know that marriage doesn't necessarily equate to love and to focus more on her partner than on herself.  (Plus, let's face it, we also have experience on other fronts that give all that 20-year-old man energy someplace to go...in the bedroom.)

Clearly, the older-men-only rule hasn't been working out all that well for me.  For years, it has seemed like I am just never on the same page with the men I dated.  When I was younger, I just couldn't figure out why they didn't seem interested in a relationship.  Now that I am a little older, I just can't seem to figure out why they do.  I have been theorizing lately that it must be because men and women age in reverse when it comes to relationships. 

Younger women often crave a committed relationship.  This might be due to societal pressure to get married and start a family, naivete about the nature of romantic love, or a basic insecurity.  In any case, most women I knew who were college age or slightly above had a pretty singular focus on finding the "one" and settling down.  As we have gotten older, those of us who have remained single have all but abandoned this former version of ourselves.  I would not say that we've gone so far as to be bitter or jaded, but we are definitely more realistic and less wistful.  We are less attached to idealized romance and more focused on just having fun.  If a relationship comes along, great, but most of my single girlfriends pushing 30 are just as (if not more) happy without one.  Marriage is not even on our radar.  Overall, we are as a group more adventurous, more easy going, and more willing to embrace the unknown.

The journey men take through their 20s and into their 30s seems to be the inverse of our own, however.  Many men in their early 20s are focused on their careers and establishing themselves as productive members of society.  They are still somewhat in "frat boy" mode, having fun with their friends and trying to figure out what women want.  This is all much to the consternation of women in their 20s the world over.  But, I have found that men, as they enter their thirties and find that they now have a career and stability, become more serious about finding a woman.  One of my savvy girlfriends analogizes men to taxi cabs in this way:  They drive around for decades with their lights off, closed for business, disappointing hopeful woman after hopeful woman on the curb.  But eventually, the day comes when they turn their lights on, ready to pick up a passenger, and the next eligible entrant is suddenly the "one".  At some point as they progress into their thirties, most men I have known turn their proverbial "lights" on.  And, maybe the reason so many of them seem to end up with cute, younger women is because those women are the ones who are ready to get in.  By the time the 30-year-old man turns on his light, however, the 30-year-old woman has left the curb in favor of hoofing it on her own.

This pattern is one of the reasons why younger men and older women are so perfect for one another.  In some sense, they are on the same page.  For different reasons, both are having fun exploring life, not viewing anything too seriously, and taking their time finding their way.  They stand to learn a lot from one another -- the older woman contributes her experience and the younger man his ebullience.  All things considered, it is not all that difficult to see that Ms. Hathaway was on to something back in 1582.  And with that, I hereby officially adopt an all-ages policy (within the parameters of what the applicable governmental bodies consider legal).  After all, age is just a number, and numbers have never really been my thing anyway.

My mother visited this weekend, which is fitting seeing as she happens to be a woman who married a (slightly) younger man.  I was busy showing her what it is like to be almost 30 in the city that never sleeps, which means there were a lot of repeat venues this weekend.  However, we did discover one new place, which will definitely never get old...

Cafe Orlin
St. Mark's Place btw 1st and 2nd Ave (closer to 2nd)

Hands down new favorite brunch in the East Village.  At this point, I have tried a number of "the best" brunch locations in my eclectic little neighborhood, therefore I tend to think I know what I am talking about.  So, believe me when I say that if you haven't had the Diana's Breakfast at Cafe Orlin, then you are seriously missing out.  I haven't ever combined hummus and eggs-over-easy before, but now am wondering how it took me so long to find this delightful combination.  Even the pita was better than average.  Mom was still raving about her meal hours later.  Plus, the espresso was exceptional.  The service was mediocre at best, however.  And, this is the only place I have been to in the East Village where screaming children were an issue.  But, I would venture to say that even that was worth it for the tabbouleh.